| maybe.... |
[Aug. 31st, 2004|08:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | beautiful uncertainty- spaceships and dinosaurs | ] |
this week hasnt been the best. im pms'ing off my ass and i feel like shit. im in a god awful mood and i swear i might explode ne secound. my optimism has completely vanished and id love to know where the hell it went. im stressed as shit with school comming up. i did really bad last year and i dont know how much better im gonna do this year. but w.e. i have an awful feeling like this years gonna be exactly like last year. same old shit, same old drama. and i really dont want to put up with it this year. but maybe, just maybe itll be different. i highly doubt it but a girl can hope... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2004|12:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | dorky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | elenor- send me a letter | ] |
im just too cool for school lol. i know i already updated but w.e i feel like writing. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW>>>>>>>> so anyway im going over to tricias house tomorrow and its going to be awesome. i cant wait. we havent gotten to hang out in such a long time because im a jerk. but its all alright now cuz i want a life lol. wooo hooooo i cant wait for tomorrow. im in the greatest mood ever. i think its cuz i got to talk to the most AMAZING guy ever tonight for 2 hours. im going to marry him lol. and anyone who has ever read this can come to the wedding haha. but seriously i feel like painting or something. ive got so much energy right now that i dont know what to do with. i should probably save it cuz ive got to get up at like 7 to be out of the house by 8. its going to suck. so anyway, METALLICA ROCKS and so does SQUASH!!!! lol im such a dork. anyway leave me some comments im feeling lonely. i think im gonna go and cut some more of my hair off. ill talk to yall lata. ::MUAH:: |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2004|09:59 pm] |
|
ok well this is me updating....hope u like it. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2004|09:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | savage garden- truly madly deeply | ] |
ok well im bored. i got in trouble today cuz i didnt get nething today. but hey w.e. they just say that to try and get me motivated. o i got the copeland cd. its amazing. i love it! and i got a TJT shirt. ive decided its my favorite shirt. so if i end up wearing it like 5 days in a row you cant blame me. lol. and ummmm metallica ROCKS, haha. o and my hairs shorter again. for those of you who didnt know i cut it in the first place. ya know what i think? i think schools gonna stink this year. on the upside i get to take algebra again!!!! yay!!!!....kiss my ass...i think i might go on a strike against boys. they suck even more then algebra. and thats a whole hell of alot of sucking lol. ive been trying to figure out how to work my digital camera for the past 5 days and i still cant figure it out. i think i may have broke it. and i know everyone says its really easy but i just dont see it. get me to conjugate verbs or write an essay on the beliefs of the starving pygmies in new guinea, but for the life of me i cant seem to figure this shit out. i miss marty. and sittin on the front porch drinkin ice cold cherry coke...wow im a dork. i think its time for a nice long bubble bath with my pretty new candles. night yall |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2004|11:05 pm] |
|
it may be my smile, but its your laugh that steals my heart |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2004|04:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Metallica- nothing else matters | ] |
If you want to sleep
Ill pull the shade
If you should vanish
I’m sure to fade
If u should smolder
Ill breathe in your smoke
If you should laugh
Ill smile and pretend I made the joke
And if you should ever leave me
I will crumble
That’s just the way I am
I hope u never leave me
That is to say
If you should sink
I don’t want to swim
If u lock the door
Ill beg to come in
If you should sing
I wont make a sound
If you should fly
Ill curse the ground
And if u should ever leave me
I will crumble
That’s just the way I am
I hope you’ll never leave me
That is to say
I will crumble
If you’re an explosion
I won’t search for shelter
If you’re the sun
Ill sit here and swelter
If you’re the moon
Ill stay up all night
If you’re a ghost
Ill be haunted for life
And if u should ever leave me
I will crumble
That’s just the way I am
I hope you’ll never leave me
That is to say
I will crumble |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 11th, 2004|10:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | system of a down- innervision | ] |
today was ok. nothing really exciting. spent most of the day watching tv and doing laundry. Tons Of Fun, lol. later on we went to church and it was cool. for those who have heard there are alot of problems in our church these days, so everythings a little tense. but other then that everythings just peachy. i got to hang out with joey and that was awesome. him, D and i are gonna go see a movie tomorrow. so that should be really really fun. its always hangin out with those two. and i know ive been saying it alot lately and im probably starting to sound redundant but God really is awesome. i got to talk to a friend today about how wonderful he is. and what i believe. and it was the first time i have ever had that opportunity, and it was great. i just pray now that something i said (however unwell it was said lol) will take hold on their heart. and that maybe through the grace of God they will be able to have happiness like ive had in these past couple of days. on another note, ive got some great friends. im sooo thankfull yall have stuck by me these past 2 years with james. i know i probably gave everyone of yall reason to kill me atleast once lol. but thanks. i dont know what id do with out you guys. o and marty, i miss you boy! i cant wait to hopefully see you in sep. like i said, id kill to see yall play.Have you ever considered that jesus was 100% man and 100% God. he really is wonderful, but you are amazing! |
|
|
| closure |
[Aug. 10th, 2004|11:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | cranberries- zombie | ] |
theres alot of stuff going on these days. alot of prayer going up to God these days. been praying mostly about james.and that God will give me the strength to break up with him or the strenght to stay and fufill what he has planned for me. and i know itll work out. its just im so tired and its so hard to give up my life to God even though i know thats what he wants. im just so used to feeling like im in control, the sad part is i know i know now that i never actually was. now im here, missing a truely amazing guy that i met at camp, who ill probably never really get to see again, who i think about entirely too much considering i still have a boyfriend lol. then again i dont really mind thinking about him. hes awesome, and he has an amazing spirit. and hes sooo sweet it almost makes me cry. im just praying everything works out for the best. im sure it will...
God works in mysterious ways. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2004|08:14 pm] |
|
i know i just updated but that was before i read my comments from my last post. i just want to say that nicole, you are awesome! i havent talked to you in such a long time. more time then id like to think about. last year we really didnt talk much and both of us did our own things. but i miss talking to you. i miss us being good friends. you were the first person i met here and i regret letting things get between us. i love you girl, and id love to hear from you. k |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 9th, 2004|07:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dashboard confessionals- so impossible | ] |
last week was by far the most awesome week ive ever had. there were some ups and downs but i have to say God really does work in mysterious ways. i learned so much and met so many wonderful people. it was so much fun to just get away from everything for a week. and i did, and i got so much more out of it then i expected. i was brought to my knees every night. and there were the best people there. i met this awesome guy marty and i learned so much from him. hes a freakin genius, and hes got an amazing spirit. i feel so much more calm and content now. i dont feel like my life revolves around james anymore. what happens will happen and there nothing i can do to prevent it. ive been trying all this time and its not worth it anymore. there are too many other wonderful things on this earth that ive pushed away for too long. so im giving it up to God and we'll see what happens. and whatever it is, it'll be for the best. it always is |
|
|
| stuck in love with him |
[Jul. 29th, 2004|11:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Juliana Theory- one season too late | ] |
i should have let him walk away. i should have walked back inside and went to bed and not thought another secound about it. but i didnt, i walked right back into the trap. i was hurt and angry and frustrated and he knew why but he wouldnt acknowledge it. when he kissed me on the cheek, i should have said i was sorry and let him go. i know im difficult, and there are things about me that i need to improve on, but why does it have to be so damn hard. is there something i did as a child, did i kill someone in a pass life?? there must have been something i did to make God mad, and now i have to deal with it. or maybe it just that im not strong enough, or not as strong as i thought i was. after being with him for almost 2 years now, it seems strange to think that maybe it wasnt worth it afterall. tricia always told me that if i wasnt having fun to get out of it. looking back i should have done what i knew in my heart was right. i do love james, and i honestly dont know if i can lose him. and at the same time im wondering if ive just waisted the last 2 years of my life on a guy that was just a dead end road. ive given up so much for him. things i didnt even realize at the time i was sacrificing for our relationship. anyone whos ever wanted me to go and do something with them on a friday night will know that i was "just too busy". i always had something going on, something that involved him. and i miss the friends i had. i miss nachos at 3 in the morning and cold early morning walks. and the saddest part about this whole thing is ill go to bed and wake up in the morning looking forward to his call like i do every morning. except it wont come, like every morning. and ill be hurt because he promised and its the fact that its such a simple thing that will make me break down in tears. and yet, what can i do? i can break up with him...but i dont know how or if i could do that. so i guess im just stuck |
|
|
| rainy days... |
[Jul. 28th, 2004|04:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Benton Falls- tell him | ] |
been watchin movies all day. first it was romeo and juliet, the one with clare danes and then broken down palace, another movie with clare danes, and then dirty dancing and a walk to remember. i cried in all of them which i think is really pathetic. bored out of my mind, even more so im frustrated. i want it to rain. i feel like i want to take a walk in the rain. sounds redundant but whatever. im leaving on sunday. woohoo. not actually. im not sure i want to go anymore. theres too many rules. but hey ill live. maybe therell be some hot counselors there. a girl can only hope! |
|
|
| does anyone else think its strange.....? |
[Jul. 25th, 2004|11:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Annie Lennox- No More I Love You's | ] |
i was just wondering if i was alone in this mentallity, but isnt it a little bit odd that my boyfriend and my x boyfriend hang out now????? im mean seriously! that shit just doesnt fly with me. its just plain WIERD. maybe not in a way that i can explain logically but it is, i know it is. and its not even like cody and i broke up and never spoke to eachother again. we were really good friends, i mean ARE really good friends. and maybe that partly why is freaking me out so freakin bad. but yet again, what can i do about it? lifes a bitch. on top of that, i dont trust james. and even though cody is the awesomest kid in the entire world he does get into trouble and james just loves to find a way to get into trouble. so ya. i dont trust james anyway, but now that he has promised me he wouldnt do anything stupid im just waiting for that 5 minute conversation where i get my heart ripped out. so untill then i sit and i pray and i hope. that maybe just this once he'll do what he says. further more id like to ask all the little girls (ex. my brothers x girlfriend) that read this to please not share anything i put in here with a so called boyfriends little sister. o and that i dont hate, or dislike you or anyone in you family. and with that settled im going to bed. its been a very long day and tomorrow probably wont be much better. |
|
|
| swimming in the ses pool |
[Jul. 24th, 2004|05:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tragically hip- poets | ] |
boys are scum. its official. all except for my beloved luke (lol.) but w.e, with or with out james ill get on with my life. as for now its just a little bumpy i guess. hell youd think i might have spacked my head on the top of a freakin mountain with the shit ive gone through with james. if the saying "what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger" is true ill be a freakin heavy weighy when we get through all this. on the other hand...how can i help but love him. yes indeed, his mother should have named him Asshole Early Jarvis. but beggers cant be choosers lol. and theres something about his eyes that make you wonder what hes thinking about...or what hes looking at(for any of you who know james lol.) seriously though theres something sweet and endeaing about him. and im begining to become naucious talking like this. in anycase life is ok i guess. ill be going to camp for a week the first of august so that should be cool. im gonna be a counselor. ive always wanted to do it so the expierience should be cool. other then that theres not much else going on. o ya, my brothers going out with the nest door neighbor girl again and my moms throwing a fit because shes jewish, which i have to say i think is kinda funny. so there it is...not all that interesting, but better than some i guess |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2004|12:16 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Zao- Violet | ] |
what would i do with out her....? i never thought that i of all people would be writing in an online journal. but hey, i guess with a great friend and a miracle, im here informing everyone of my not so very interesting life. so to start it off, my summers been pretty damn boring. i feel as if im permanently attatchd to my boyfriend of a year and 8 monthes. its almost suffocating and since he doesnt have IM ill just spill all the beans and let all ya'll know that its really starting to get on my nerves. so at the moment i think my biggest task at hand is to get up the balls to for once stand up for myself and try to regain some of the life i once had. this may seem to some a small feit but for me it will most probably prove to be one of my more mentally strenuous and liberating expieriences of my life. this is in fact a very pathetic fact considering im only 15 and have high school as well as the rest of my life to live through. so heres to great friends who no matter what always seem to be there. your the best part of "us", and ill always love you like a sister. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
kaylennn's journal